I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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