So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
