I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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