Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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