Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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