I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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