And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
