Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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