I think I won the penis lottery.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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