what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
