did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Randomize
