Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
