I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
