closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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