filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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