i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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