Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
