it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
