You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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