Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
