Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
