i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
