he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
