get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
