im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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