I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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