You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
