And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish I only lived at night.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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