Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
