I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
