Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
