life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
