I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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