mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
