a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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