I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
