Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
