By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
cat food counts as protein by the way
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
