U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Someone signed my nipple.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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