ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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