Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
