Pregnant stripper...not hot.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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