I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
