Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
