one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
