sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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