2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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