I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
