Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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