wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
