I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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